Dear anguished Indian woman
I have always been a feminist.Basically I have always believed that men and women are equals.Maybe this is because I was brought up in a
family where my being a girl made no difference. At school I saw that the
sports competitions differentiated between the sexes. And so I learned that men are physically stronger. But everywhere else we were equals. So when I started realizing that there are people in the world who think it isn't so, I was
greatly amazed. And then I found out that the life and rights I had taken for granted had been fought for. That made no sense. Because when I figured out
what 2 plus 2 was, so did the boy sitting next to me. There were no extra
classes for girls. We weren't slow or anything.
And yet as I kept growing, I learnt that this is a world
that hates women. As a teenager I learnt what rape was. It was a devastating
thing to have to know about. That’s when feminism became anti-men for me. Men
were stronger. Men had penises. Men were responsible. Men had been doing this
for centuries. And with this ideology I felt utter helplessness. Because what
could I do now? How could I make things better? And then there were questions.
How is female education gonna help? We gotta cure the men somehow. And there
was disgust. And there was anguish.
And then in the second year of college, my view of feminism
changed completely. I met a girl, a smart competent girl and she honestly
believed that men were intellectually superior. Here was a girl in an NIT on
the cusp of a corporate career who honestly believed that half the population
was smarter than her! And the more I tried to reason with her, the more
insistent she became. That was just absurd. Personally I have quite a healthy
sized ego and I just couldn't understand how she got this way. And slowly I figured it out. She believed it because
somewhere in her upbringing this is what society had communicated to her. She
believed it because her family had somehow taught her this. And then I started
thinking. And what I realized is that if your parents say you are an ape, you
sort of start believing that you are an ape over a period of time. Whatever the
mirror might say. Because our parents define the world for us. And we love them so much and we
owe them so much. We can’t discard what they say. It clings on.
How could I , some random girl she met in college, wipe over what she had learnt from the people she loved more than life?
How could I , some random girl she met in college, wipe over what she had learnt from the people she loved more than life?
And suddenly it wasn't the men anymore. It was society. And
suddenly education made sense. Because education may make you question. When I
added 2 and 2 and so did the boy next to me, I might, might just wonder, hey, I
am not slower than him after"all. And then when I join a job and I work and get
results, I might, might just wonder, hey, I am not so bad am I?
And so ladies, A girl would grow to respect herself. A girl
would earn the respect that society has denied her for centuries. And so my
only solution to what we face today is : Study and then work.
Work even if it drives you nuts. Work even if you
can’t take the stress. And work most of all for the sake of your children.
Children,you say? The ones who you feel you abandon every time you leave the home to work?The one who you have this whole guilt trip
over?
Yes, your children. (Oh btw I have got a working mum so please reserve the nasties)
Firstly, your children will not require in the exact same
way throughout their lives. Your one year old needs you physically present 24/7
but can you say the same about your 9 year old who goes to school, has football
practice and friends to play with in the evening? And what about your 15 year
old, do you see him/her before dinner time anyway? But what your 9 year old
needs is that you know what is going on his/her life, that you know hows school
going and who his/her friends are. Will your job come in the way of this
especially in this age of mobile phones soon to be video phones? Most probably
not. Also Your children will always love you. Unless you
really really screw things up. The love that you feel is a two way street. Your
working and not spending your afternoons with them will never change that. See
the way my mom is my idol.
Secondly, your son and daughter need to see you as an
individual. They need to see how you can earn money, lead people and achieve
things. They need to see this so they learn to respect you. They need to be
proud of you. Because the way they think of you, is how they will think of
women. Your daughters will see your strength and follow suit. Your sons will
see your strength and learn to see women as individuals not sex objects. You
will raise a good man and good woman by setting an example
Thirdly and most importantly, motherhood is a full time
job. It doesn't end when your kid is 15 or 16. It lasts for life.
I started working less than a year ago. And I am a novice
trying to make sense of bosses, office politics, projects, stress- all of it. But
the one support I have, the one mentor I have is my mother. Because I may bitch
about office to my friends but they are all like me : new. But my mother has
lived through every thing that I will experience in the next quarter of a
century. And of course she loves me in a way that only she can
.
.
So please work. Work so that you are not just loved. Work so
that you are respected. And some day little by little your children will set
this horrible imbalance right. Someday all this “battle of the sexes” stuff will
end. Someday there can be peace. Because we should live peacefully side by
side. Man and woman. The way it was intended.